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Bastards!!!!

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Jamie’s Good News

As you may or may not be aware dear reader Enniscorthy Drama Group is up and running! And we are hitting the ground running and the 24th of August sees the first productions hitting the stage of the Presentation Centre. The Tinker’s Wedding by JM Synge (directed by Colum Cooney) and Ritual For Dolls by George MacEwan Greene (directed by Siobhan Duggan). I will be playing the role of Bravo, a toy soldier, alongside Caroline Busher (Arabella), Tim Connaughton (Golly) and Eimear Hanlon (Jo-Jo). That’s two great one act plays for the price of one on the 24th August in the Presentation Centre!!

Find us on Facebook: Enniscorthy Drama Group

Twitter: @enniscorthydg

What A B*****d!!!!

Watching Hannibal on Sky Living got me thinking, thinking hard. Now I will not reveal anything about the show apart from the fact that this incarnation of Dr. Lecter played with creepy perfection by Mads Mikkelsen is for all intensive purposes the epitome of pure evil. Cold, calculated genius evil and in short a complete b*****d!! With that in mind, come with me on a journey to discover five of the biggest b******s to ever slink, crawl and run riot on our screens!!

5. Sean Noakes, Sleepers (1996) (played by Kevin Bacon)

One of many prison guards that would ritually and sadistically sexually abuse beat and molest a collection of young men from Hell’s Kitchen who were sent to a Young Offenders Institute for a summertime prank gone horribly wrong. He strides around the Institute with an unmistakable swagger and runs the place like a sadistic prick. His acts of bastardry include knocking over dinner from a tray and making the victim eat if off the floor “if he’s that hungry.”

Ultimate Act of Bastardry:

During the first of many beatings, a young defenceless boy shivers in the dark and looks up at his attackers pleading. “What do you want?” Noakes coldly and coolly replies, “A blowjob.”

4. Percy Whitmore, The Green Mile (1999) (played by Doug Hutchinson)

Percy Whitmore got his job thanks to family connections and the guy seems to have been born with a stick up his derriere. The sense of entitlement he displays is counter balanced by his utter repulsiveness. I have no idea how hard it is to be a prison guard, but I would imagine it would be less hard as long as all guards are a team. Percy does not share this belief for he is out for Percy and Percy alone.
His penultimate act of bastardry is crushing Del’s mouse, Mr. Jingles. That scene gets me every time and I want to reach in and wrap my hands around his smug, gangly neck. But that pales in comparison with his ultimate act.

Ultimate Act of Bastardry: Having pushed his way onto the execution party of Edward Delacroix, he is not contented watching the man fry for his crime. Percy neglects to wet the sponge that will be placed on Del’s head which will go some way as to soften the blow of being shot full of electricity. What follows is absolutely horrific; Del’s body shoots into flames on account of the electricity passing through it. Only upshot is Percy gets the tar knocked out of it by Tom Hanks and the other guards!!

3. Gunnery Sgt Hartman, Full Metal Jacket (1987) (played by R. Lee Emery)

This man oozes b****** from head to foot and for the entire time he’s on screen! So he does not have one “ultimate act”. Instead here’s a choice few quotes:

“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle!”

“Five-foot-nine, I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!”

“I bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I’ll be watching you.”

“Private Pyle I’m gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! ONE! TWO! THREE!”

“What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

“Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.”

2. Skeletor, Masters Of The Universe (played by…. Skeletor)

I know, I know. He’s a cartoon! Doesn’t mean he cannot be a bona fide b*****d!! Like any good demented leader, he was unbelievably rude to his crew; his loved ones and he had a whole castle all to himself but spent the majority of the series trying to steal the Sorceress’ castle!! What a prick.

Ultimate Act of Bastardry: In the Filmation TV series Skeletor kills a villager and starts to prey on He Man’s conscience. He has He-Man convinced that he was the killer of the innocent villager, nearly driving He-Man insane. He killed someone in cold blood and tried to convince He-Man he did it! Hardly My Little Pony…

1. Patrick Bateman, American Psycho (2000) (played by Christian Bale)

I hate the 80’s as a whole. The fashion, the music and the general sense of dread, but Patrick Bateman embraces all the hallmarks of the era. Stock market greed, immaculate business suits, technology and oh yea killing ladies. He tries to feed a stray kitten into an ATM machine…. A stray kitten…. He’s demented!!

Ultimate Act of Bastardry: He kills senselessly and then throws on some Phil Collins. End of argument. There’s your Number One B*****d!

N.B. I have not included Darth Vader in this list because he’s overused in these types of polls and he looks like a giant black pedal bin with a fan on his face and suffers from a bad throat. Until next time!!

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Written by thepanch

July 6, 2013 at 9:15 pm

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