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Auf Wiedersehen, Twat!!

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Brown Ale, Brian Johnson, Alan Shearer, Mark Knopfler, Jimmy Nail. All things associated with and generally loved about Newcastle. Alas, all good things must come to an end, and in this case that love has been well and truly “bished” and “boshed” by Geordie Shore: Magaluf Madness. Reality television these days has lost its way somewhat. No longer a study in social interaction and human behaviour, it has morphed into a well oiled, structured machine, which in turn has a nasty habit of creating instant hate figures.

Any spoilt, snot nosed kid from My Super Sweet 16, the last four seasons of Big Brother and the twins of trouble, Jedward, however, they all pail in comparison to the cretins that inhabit MTV’s version of Newcastle. The show opens with a VT of the “stars”, a word that has as well lost all meaning. In these videos the tone of the show and their intelligence are shown.

“I’d never kiss a guy who didn’t have a six pack” – Charlotte-Letitia. The hyphen denotes an idiot before she oven opens her mouth, her parents must be rushing for copies of the show to throw around their neighbours coffee mornings. The guys do not fare much better. “I should have a degree in pulling birds.” – Gary. Come to the front of the queue, Gaz. No awards for “pulling birds” but I have several for being a twat, bring your polish.

The show follows our intrepid heroes as they have a week, sponsored by the licence fee I hasten to add, in Magaluf as they do what most people their age do on holidays I suppose. Drink, party, pull, drink, pull, party, drink, oh yes and a healthy dose of pettiness, backstabbing and regrettable drunken fumbles. All of which seem a tad fabricated. Case in point, Charlotte (I refuse to type a hyphen again) says she doesn’t “even like Gary”, despite mentioning his name in every second sentence, and slowly making his name her favourite word in the world.

This sorry back and forth drags for the entire two shows and they come off as morons. She says no, he persuades her, she relents, he shows no interest come the morning, she cries, and says “never again, he is a p****, that is it I will not be used ever again”…. until the following night. Jesus wept.

Jay, the most idiotic it has to be said spends every waking moment without a top on and talking nonsensical rubbish about “birds…drink and tan”. Yes, folks all the boys use spray tan extensively. Mind you, I can’t see where they find the time in the day spending five hours in the gym. If you thought Top Gun had some pretty strong homoerotic undercurrents, you clearly have not seen this show where both Gary and James repeatedly slap Jay on his bum, while wearing very little clothes. Shame Kenny Everett wasn’t around…..

I just noticed I have spent most of this column chewing this show out for being terrible, and yet I still watch it. I know, I know the irony of it all, and a lot of it has been focused on the boys. Jealous much, James? Not really, I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could be that much of a twat. Now…. the girls.

Charoltte uses a hypen in her name, in my book that instantly makes me dislike you. Holly spends most of the show embarrassing herself and her poor boyfriend back home. But they have an “agreement.” Doubtful…. Sophie and Vicky seem the most sensible, and as such are singled out by the others. Obviously free speech and independent thought is not a trait welcomed by certain women in Newcastle. If you haven’t seen the show, please do. The show has finished now, but you could probably catch it on http://www.mtv.co.uk. I beg of you, please do.

In the interim, any thoughts on what I write here, please feel free to mail me on thepanch@hotmail.co.uk. I do welcome feedback, positive or negative. Bring it all on, dear readers. And next month I am starting a column next week entitled “Movies That Are Vastly Over-Rated”, first on the chopping block? Gone With The Wind. Because, “Frankly, I don’t give a damn… pet!”

 

 

 

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Written by thepanch

September 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

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