Thepanch's Blog

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“It were shit, but it were good…..”

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Bullseye (Challenge, Ch. 125, Sundays, 12 a.m.).  A simpler time on TV, and in general, life itself. Now, before you freak out, I am aware I am a mere 25, a quarter of a century years old. But in my short time on this planet, I have seen many cultural shifts.  But for now, let’s focus on the unbridled joy that was Bullseye.  Granted I was born in ’84 and the show was three years old by then, and I didn’t start watching it til I was six, in 1990. But I remember the sheer joy of seeing normal people enjoying themselves and throwing darts to win money. They were rewarded for skill, simple barter system, really.

On watching the re-runs, and ignoring the cheapness of the show (the most I’ve ever seen won was £700), that joy still shines through. First off, from the host, Jim Bowen. A stand up comedian, (after a stint as both a binman, and then a Head Teacher). His humour was the sort of end of the pier stuff, that still appeals to me. He doesn’t have the smackability factor of Vernon Kay, or the shiny breasts of Holly Willoughby, but a quick wit. Imagine if your uncle was a television host. My favourite one liner being:

“Now Steven you used to be what weight? Seventeen stone. Well done on the loss, you only look around thirteen stone now.”

The referee was Tony Green. Who let’s be honest looks like Elvis’ overweight father with that quiff. The contestants always were decent people, with no f****ing back story. Think about it, have you ever heard someone on Bullseye say, “Well, Jim. I wanna win this speedboat for my dead dad, who before he died, had all his limbs chopped off by Nazi Zombies, after they killed his dog?”. No,you didn’t. It was always Steve, a plumber from Stevenage, or a butch woman in stone clad denim. “Had a right good day, Jim…”.

That back story issue brings me, not as smoothly as I hoped, but nonetheless unto The X-Factor  (ITV). And similar “talent shows” such as Search For A Tranny Who’s A Granny, Can We Find A Male Chav That Washes? and The Saddest Back Story Should Probably Walk It. None of those shows exist in actuality. Well, until I assume power, at which point the following people will be shot:

Piers Morgan.

People who high five in public.

Anyone that has had any association, talks about, even thinks about Genesis.

Anyway, back to the point at hand. The X-Factor. I’m sorry, but let’s look at the “talent” they’ve produced. That stuttering, Beatle song-murdering, Jordan-botherer, Gareth Gates. Will Young. A man so bland, I half expected his middle name to be “Grey Face Flannel”, Ray Quinn, a butch lesbian trapped in a Liverpudlian teenage boy’s body. I could go on, but I won’t. They’re all shitcakes. Each and everyone of them.

Talent shows in the early 70’s and 80’s actually discovered talent. Talent that are mostly still around, working today. Lenny Henry is still packing ’em in. He was discovered on New Faces (ITV). Jim Davidson was also discov…. On second thoughts, scrap that comparison. Davidson is a washed up, unfunny c*** that should have been brought to the knacker’s yard years ago. In fact the only time I want to see Davidson on TV is in my new show, Afghan Rebels Hunt Down And Kill Jim Davidson.

Any good talent that was discovered, was. And they got by on talent, sheer natural, sometimes unusual talent. They did not have producers backstage asking them things like, “Yes, John that was fine. Do you have any family members that have any terminal illnesses. Because, let’s be honest, who wants to see a talented, yet ugly man? You don’t. You’re wasting your time here.”

So, please if you must watch X-Factor, think of this. You see a disfigured person, or a three legged dog in the street. Do you put on the kettle, make a sandwich and sit down to point and laugh? No, that’s disgusting. Who would do something as hideous? The ten million plus that watch The X-Factor. It’s a horrible, spiteful little Victorian freak show. And it needs to be stopped. Anyone have the number for Amnesty?

“That’s the Bullseye!”


Written by thepanch

September 7, 2009 at 5:35 pm

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  1. […] Jamie Murphy’s latest article… September 8, 2009 tknightreviews Leave a comment Go to comments Another article by my dear friend Mr Murphy… click HERE… […]

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